maude hates you

Travel 001

2010-02-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

Guy on Plane to girl next to him: "You a Chinese?"

Roommate 005

2008-12-08T10:55:00.005-07:00

1: This woman kept telling me that she was a paralegal and she was going to make sure our company refunded her money.
2: Dumb! Doesn't she know being a paralegal means nothing? Para = not!
1: Exactly...just like a paraplegic is someone who's not plegic, right?

P.S. This was actually Roni and the Romgi talking while making lunch the other day.

Work 002

2008-04-03T15:52:00.002-06:00

Receptionist: Hello, this is the law school, how can I help you?
Guy on the phone: Yeah, I was wondering if you can refer a lawyer to me. I need a specialist in animal law.
R: What kind of specialist?
G: Animal law, do you know where I can find one?
R: What do you mean by animal law?
G: Well, I believe that animals are being denied their rights. I think animals should be able to buy a house, get married, and all that kind of stuff.

Work 001

2008-04-01T15:05:00.002-06:00

Guy: So... is BYU, like, the only law school in America?
Receptionist: I'm sorry, what?
G: Are there other law schools besides BYU?
R: Um... yes, there are over 200 in America alone.
G: Really? Wow! That's pretty cool. So, if I, like, want to go to law school, do I have to apply to all of them?
R: No... just the ones you want to go to.
G: Thanks, that's pretty cool.

parenting 0002

2008-03-10T20:22:00.000-06:00

It helps if you read in lines instead of circles.

Campus 0013

2008-02-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

Why in the world are you living in a nomad tent?

Campus 0012

2008-02-29T10:08:00.003-07:00

Girl 1: So, this construction worker hit on me yesterday.
Girl 2: Oh, so was he cute?
Girl 1: No, he was like 45 and pretty ugly.
Girl 2: So what did you do?
Girl 1: I told him I am a lesbian and that I'm getting married soon.

Campus 0011

2008-02-29T10:05:00.002-07:00

Guy 1: You just date girls and then you get married, that's just how it works.
Guy 2: Unless you're gay... like my roommate
Guy 1: Yeah, unless you're- wait, your roommate is gay?
Guy 2: Well, it's just that he's really effeminate, and all his friends from back home are gay... and I think he said his parents are gay too...
Guy 1: Whoa... yeah, he's totally going to be gay.

Campus 0010

2008-02-29T10:04:00.002-07:00

Dude, if you want somebody to kick your trash, my wife could definitely do it.

parenting 0001

2008-02-24T21:51:00.001-07:00

A sad baby is a happy baby.

campus 0009

2008-02-06T02:01:00.001-07:00

Well, I haven't seen her naked yet, but we've gotten pretty close.

Campus 0008

2007-12-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

"Yeah, it had be a sandwich and it had better be worth eating!"

campus 0007

2007-12-07T12:28:00.001-07:00

I just got up to campus...yeah, I forgot that I had class, so I didn't come earlier...

[note: we are now in the 14th week of the semester, so even if her class only meets once a week, it's been happening for over 3 months...isn't that hard to forget?]

campus 0006

2007-12-07T12:25:00.001-07:00

[woman in high baby voice] NO, I will NOT say "Como estas" to you!

campus 0005

2007-12-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

Is there any possibility that the boy you are dating is gay?

roommate 0004

2007-11-18T13:21:00.001-07:00

I find stability in the seams of my pants.

campus 0004

2007-11-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

so yeah, I'm totally going to class with my panties tucked up my bra.

campus 0003

2007-11-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

this morning the romgi and i were waiting for the bookstore to reopen after devotional (they shut down from 10:45-11:50 on tuesdays). on every entrance, in every window, there were signs saying BOOKSTORE CLOSED in large letters, and we will reopen at 11:50am underneath.

at 11:45 a girl walks up, pulls the door handle, and is surprised to see that it is locked. so she tries the next door. and the next. seriously, all four doors in front of us...then she looks around, pulls the door handle again, and finally takes a step back to wait with the rest of us. apparently she was in a big hurry, because when someone exited the building a minute later she ran to get through the door before it closed again.

unfortunately for her, there are two set of doors on every building to keep the warmth in during the winter, and she was locked in between them because of her little stunt.

in the immortal words of owen meany: "CAN'T YOU READ?"

2007-11-13T16:19:00.000-07:00

so i'm not sure how the titles work...and my quote is inappropriate and absurd in so many ways so you can censor this if you want...but i swear i heard this. i was waiting for a bus with my roommate during freshman year of college on corner of sunset and vine (i think) standing in front of hollywood high school. we had just spent the day during touristy things in hollywood and thought we had seen all sorts of weird things. there were some young hooligans fooling around on the steps of the high school shouting obscenities at each other - nothing out of the ordinary, right? so we were standing around blah blah and out of nowhere one boy shouts to another:

"HEY F****T!!! I'LL KNOCK YOU OUT AND WAKE YOU UP BY SUCKING YOUR D***!!!"

so when people talk about the stupid things they've overheard this one always automatically comes to mind. all the other stupid things i hear are pretty stupid but none are so stupid that i remember them like i've remembered this one. i'll add more as i hear them...

2007-11-10T21:12:00.001-07:00

If I hadn't woken up, I'd still be asleep!

campus 0002

2007-11-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

Girl 1: "Oh my gosh, have you guys seen that movie 'Labyrinth'?"
Girl 2: "Yeah, that movie totally changed my life."

roommate 0003

2007-11-09T11:30:00.001-07:00

hugs are like jigsaw puzzles.

roommate 0002

2007-11-09T11:29:00.001-07:00

what's that narnia book about? ...narnia?

campus 0001

2007-11-07T13:18:00.002-07:00

it's come to the point where i can recognize you from the back of your head!

the romgi 0003

2007-11-07T13:18:00.001-07:00

biting is not conducive to reverence.

the romgi 0002

2007-11-07T13:17:00.003-07:00

you're kind of like a camel, but with food.

roni 0002

2007-11-07T13:17:00.001-07:00

my face is all salty and dry.

roommate 0001

2007-11-07T13:16:00.000-07:00

it's kind of funny to think of a bird breathing.

roni 0001

2007-11-07T01:36:00.001-07:00

i think of jesucita as being a rather large parrot.

cell phone 0001

2007-11-07T01:34:00.000-07:00

so, he's like, still trying to pay attention to her and like, buy her a dog and stuff. yeah, totally. i'm like, we don't even want him around, why would we want a dog he bought around?

the romgi 0001

2007-11-07T01:32:00.000-07:00

is that how it is? well, you would be saying something else if things were different.

why maude hates you

2007-11-06T23:29:00.000-07:00

i probably shouldn't tell you this, but maude is actually roni's alter-ego. every decent person needs an alter-ego. look at calvin and stupendous man. see my point?

anyway, maude (me) is roni's ornery, pissy, emo-ish alter-ego, and so i think it follows naturally that i hate the world.

did you know that people say stupid things?

true story.

this blog really has nothing to do with me, or the fact that i hate the world. mostly it's about ridiculous things i hear people say.

if you think you hear people say stupid things too, ask to join. then you can add quotes too.